Mickie Calkins's blog

Vox QotD: Ghost Story

Do you believe in ghosts?  I think I believe more in "spirits" --- a left over residue of people gone by. Maybe more like the long tail of the soul. I don't believe in the white-sheety floating thing, but I do believe that when emotions are strong they sort of create an energy of their own that takes a while to dissipate. This is why, sometimes, when you walk into a room you can "feel" something different about it or about a space in a room. That sort of ominous feeling that you just can't ignore.  I think its the excess emotion left over in a space by the people who first experienced it or came in soon after. This is why it perpetuates --- it keeps getting felt by more and more people visiting the place. The emotion never gets an opportunity to play out  I definitely don't believe in ghosts that talk. That is what dreams and the subconscious are for. :-)

 

QotD: Thirst-Quenching Beverage

How do you like to quench your thirst on a hot summer day? Ideally, white wine. Pomegranate Crystal Light is also doing the trick lately.

Fatherhood

My mom and I were reminiscing the other day about my granddad. I mentioned to her that I was thinking about my Grandpa Hank  and he frequently comes to mind as I face challenges at work and home.

He had such a gentle way of being "in conversation" about the tough or awkward emotional stuff. He never made it scary but the serious stuff always got handled. As my mom and I continued to talk, she said something that has been rolling about in my brain a bit since then. She said that now that she is 70 she realizes that she was very lucky indeed to have such a nice father. She said that what she came to appreciate in her  adult life is that one of the key characteristics of being a good father was the ability to treat his own wife well.

Of course, this is a filter I had not thought about previously. I confess, to this day, I believe I have always separated the definitions of Husband vs. Father (another true confession -- this is not a topic I think of frequently). Because of this, I have always evaluated the fathers I respect primarily through the light of how they engage with or are there for their children. My neighbor for example, actively involves himself in most of the mundane aspects of his children's' childhoods. He sets high standards for the quality of food they eat. He makes time for them each day. And he is vigilant over their social interactions with the world. Hence, DING! I have deemed him "a good father." But, I realize that under my mom's definition, I have no idea how his cumulative score would be because I so rarely see he and his wife together. 

Interestingly, I find it useful to explore my perceptions of my mom's childhood. I do not get the sense that her dad was the sort of dad that framed his life around his children's activities nor was he "Mr. Entertainment" or "Joe Kidder." Having spent a fair amount of time in my grandparents house as a child, my guess is that my grandpa lived his life simply and pretty much handled interruptions from kids with grace and composure. Like my mom, I remember my grandpa as being VERY easy to talk things over with. Looking back, I now know I equate him with my definition of "wise one". What a gift to have literally someone with perspective and wisdom in your life!

I think what my mom valued most, and now that I think about it, I realize that he did this with his grandkids too,  is that he rarely raised his voice and he ALWAYS let you speak your peace.  He was always open to discussion. He made space for you to have a very strong opinion and it was not necessary that your opinions were the same as his. He always took the time to hear you and consider your perspective -- quietly and calmly with no interruption or upset on his face. He would then express his opinion and because he had listened to you, it was obvious that you owed him the respect of listening to him.

Many times, my mother says, her opinions were not in alignment with his. Grandpa would listen and sometimes be swayed, but many times would explain his decision (as a parent) and why things were so. But he never denied her right to express herself NOR keep and maintain her own thoughts. I see now why in my teenage years, my mother was the person I would discuss my choices with. She used this same technique on me --- sometimes letting me follow thru w/my own decisions that did not align with her thoughts. It is there that I learned judgment and consequences without the pressure of argument.

Grandpa used this technique on Grandma. He was also very considerate of my grandmother --- treating her with respect and respecting her place in the home. I personally do not ever remember him saying a nasty thing, cuss word or doing anything disrespectful or rude in her presence. Never, Not once. He always seemed to approach her as an equal and was openly willing to help her without her even having to ask. Don't get me wrong. I don't beleive for a moment that he was pussy-whipped in any way. I just saw a good deal of respect and communication between the two of them --- each accepting each other as an individual and willing to help and protect the other person in the relationship come what may.

Of course, all this talk about being a good father has made me reflect on whether I am a good mother under the same scrutinous criteria. I would like to think I am. I respect my husband's right to live his own life and make his own decisions. In fact, many of my girlfriends comment with amazement that they would be "less accepting" of some of the choices my husband makes  (e.g., motorocyle riding, night mtn. biking, etc etc).. I don't believe that is necessary for him to have symbiotic judgment with me all the time and I try to be considerate if he asks me to do something.  I try not to raise my voice and focus on really trying to hear what he has to say. I confess, this last one is the one I struggle with most as sometimes my own internal voice thwarts me here.  I try to be there when I'm needed...and I frequently swallow my pride when his choice of priorities does not include me.

How will my daughter think back on us as "mother" and "father"?  What would her assessment be when she is 70? Will she have the same criteria that her grandmother uses and what will she make of her life experiences?   I would love to know and only God knows if I will ever live long enough to find out....
 

QotD: A Few of the Challenges I Face

What challenges stand in the way of your ideal lifestyle? How are you working to overcome them?
Presented by Intel, Sponsors of Tomorrow.

i think my main issues this day is some pretty nasty paranoia from key people in my life. Such extreme fear and self-focus that it spills out of them and completely obliterates my plans, my activities and any good positive motion I can manage to snag.

Its so sad really. I thought I was taking steps to have a nearly ideal life.  Beautiful house and healthy, engaged family. White picket fence. Great town, neighbors and a job that i love. Decent, smart people around me.  But one persons fears have had a way of raising up and raining on it all. I get questioned and challenged on mundane issues -- things that would be simply forgotten or not even worthy of discussion in other peoples lives -- --- (like why I'm 15 mintues late, why did someone looked at my facebook page or why i even got an invitation to go out for drinks with work friends). Everything is so threatening that I'm get distracted trying to protect myself from the next shit storm that will come my way. I have NO IDEA why I keep subjecting  myself to this rather than just making the move to get away from all these fears. As they say, "just walk away". I'm worried that this person's paranoia has affected my naturally sunny outlook and is making me a "debbie downer," despite the blessings that I have. I remind myself daily that I'm blessed to be alive, healthy, working and have many wonderful people and family around me. Maybe is because I am near enough to my perfect life to actually smell it in the wind occasionally. (Close, but no cigar!).  I know that some people never even get this close. I so don't want to let those pieces go.....

 

 

Unraveling, Relaxing and Self-focus

I am having a problem right now I don't know quite how to handle. I'm over committed in a big way. I do feel I have too many tasks and responsibilities at home, but I don't feel like I'm in a place where I can ask for help without creating a wave that I just don't have the energy to deal with. It is dragging me down again but to break the routine would mean hell to pay.

At work, I'm overwhelmed by an overwhelmed boss. I know he needs help, but I'm doubting my ability and energy level to accomplish super-human results (which I know will not result in a raise this year -- the same as last year).

Everyone's needs are so high. I seem to be surrounded by a lot of demanding, perfectionist people who are quite happy to ask me to perform, but don't feel the need to pitch in themselves.

I feel guilty just taking a Saturday afternoon to go to a girlfriends house for a party. Logically, I know this situation is not healthy. I have just a few friends, none of whom I would ever impose on with my issues. To be truthful, I haven't spoke my heart in so long concerning ME that I can't even imagine the words now. I almost feel like I'm wasting time if I just sit for a few minutes or take an hour break during the day to exercise --- which I know I desperately need.

I know I need to stop whining and get off my butt and exercise -- maybe get outside and get some vitamin D. And I know I should find comfort in that nearly every woman I know has a verson of my dilemma.

I guess my questions are simple, how do you unwind without unraveling. How do you get someone to help who doesn't want, simply won't or feels some sort of "entitlement" that enables them to sit back and watch you work? How can you take people seriously who constantly comment on others imperfections and "lack of something or another" in the same moment they are forgetting about their own imperfections.

At times, I think this state of ungratefulness surrounds me. Does that mean I am ungrateful (as most people are a reflection of their surroundings). Should I instead be grateful that I am in a family at all or even have a job? Will praying on this confusing state of mine help? Or should I just allow myself to numb myself w/alchohol & drugs and "check out." OK. that was dumb to write. I would not do that simply because I would not want to shame myself in front of my daughter and the rest of my family. But everyone once in a while (true confessions) I feel like smoking (even though I never did), drinking, cussing, making bawdy comments and hanging out naked in a hot tub for no good reason whatsoever -- without having to explain anything to anybody, justify my whereabouts, worry about paying someone elses bills or worry about the safekeeping of my daugther.

When I have thoughts like this, I often remember my friend Shaw's mother. She was one of the first women to graduate from Radcliffe. She shared a story once with me that her great desire was to feel free enough to run her greasy hands through her hair, like a wild indian. She passed her hands through her hair as she said it and gave her cropped hair a short little tug for empahsis. Her iris-blue eyes sort of flashed and I will never forget the look of her as her whole face and body relaxed. I think I know what she was feeling. This restless, lank and irritated state.  She was just a little older than me when she was making this statement to me. I wonder if she is still alive and whether she ever found her bliss?

Maybe I should just get a prescription for valium. Maybe I should stop watching Michael Jackson coverage. So so sad.

How do you handle grievous mistakes?

What did you do the minute you realized you've made a huge mistake? Did you stop and do nothing, sort of wallowing in the shock of it all? Did you take action to rectify it? Did you talk yourself out of believing it was a mistake -- maybe by telling yourself it wasn't so bad or that "if only" things would change it would be fine. Or did you just ignore it, hoping it would go away or dissipate on its own? Did you let it or the presence of it in your life continue to drag you down or did you just dwell on it -- letting it fester and build in your soul? What if this thing stood in the way of you being who you really are?. If its impact and way of being meant you had to give up your friends and control of your own life including the career you are good at, the home that you want to live in and your interest in anything outside of this thing?  If you know for a fact that your life is of no consideration to the focus this mistake requires to just manage on a day to day basis, what would you do. How would you do it? Flee? Fight? Give up? Give in? Become a shell, a robot,  a bitch or a needy whining high-maintenance pain? Me. I just trudge on. I don't even know why, I just do.

Can you miss what you've never had?

I think we all just want to be loved. To know that someone, somewhere would choose you first, every time. I think that is what I miss most in my present life --- or my romantic life in general. I can't think of a situation where even once I would have been chosen first, before anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I"m not all sad sacky about this. I'm not boo-hooey either. I don't know if I've been unlucky or unwise in my choices. Its really hard to distinguish which and thinking about it, it really doesn't matter which it was (unlucky or just unwise).  For me it just is.  I long for things I read about -- a comfort in being able to hang loose and express myself and know the other person will take it without judging me.  I  can't say I've ever done that in a relationship. I always had such great fear of something --- of not being accepted, of not being "cool" enough, of needing too much, of not wanting to scare someone off, of causing a situation that would erupt in violence towards me or my daughter. Its all there. All these fears controlling my life, when really, all I want to do it curl into the side of someone and comfortably watch T.V. or read books, holding hands and not having to talk or have sex or "do* anything.  I'm not sure why i'm writing this in particular on this day, but I'm feeling like I'm needing a hug (I've got a nasty cold). I'm alone and there really is no one I could just be with comfortably who wouldn't expect something out of me. Here's a thought. If you knew being an adult was going to be such as strain, would you grow up and take it on or would you avoid responsiblity like the plague?

QotD: When was the last time you were disappointed?

When was the last time you were disappointed? This is easy. It was only yesterday when I read that Adam Lambert acknowledged his gay-ness. Its not like I thought there would ever be any possibilities between us....ha ha. Its just that I thought he was so charming and good looking and sensitive but still in some sort of mannish way. I thought he might just be the next Elvis. It'd just be nice to know that there was a man out there that would like women who looked like that. But that's not happening in my life, I know. 

 

A little black cloud over my head

Today started out just wrong. I got snively when my husband butted in front of me at the kitchen counter and stole my sandwich making counter space. I had to take my car over to the Dealer to have my car-door lock fixed immediately after I picked it up from being repaired at an autoshop from some "elderly lady" banging into it while it was parked at the grocery store. I got a rental car to tide me over while all this was going on. (Note, my car door lock was messed up because my car got broken into 2x last month!).  I went to the bank in the rental car  at lunch and WHAM!!! another person hits me in the parking lot at the bank!! Hoa boy. How'm I going to 'splain this to the insurance people? The poor other person was a young girl --- shaking and quivering. Apparently, if she gets another ticket or violation, she'll lose her license. I felt bad for her, but I don't want my rates to go up . And, with a rental car, there is no choice, I can't hide it or pay for it out of pocket.

On top of it, I have the rescheduled appointment nightmare from hell week going on in addition to my parents flying in this Thrusday for my daughter's first communion. As much as I try to be Zen, my shoulders are so stressed I'm sure I've just compeltely lost sight of my neck. An un-known co-worker overheard me whining about this at work to another co-worker. He suggested a yoga class where you do it in a heated room. I thought, OH GREAT. sweaty stressed downward dog.  NAMASTE to you, BUDDY! Wonder if there is something like Yoga Studio Mat Rage?

 

Phew. I feel marginally better now. Maybe I'll go watch the hockey players fight on TV :-)

 

QotD: Named after one of the 50 states

If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be? What first came to mind was "Montana". Big Sky, somewhat of a hick, a little untamed. Everything there is pretty well defined. The habits of its people are sometimes hard to swallow --- but they do just put it out there.  Oddly, people like it more than it likes people. I'm from Colorado, but I don't think I'm so Rocky --- esp. the crumbly type of rock. The state I like to hang out most in is California or New York, but I still don't consider myself permanently "slicker" enough to take on their names.